A year ago, I found myself working on the early stages of a novel that was in no way related to the project I’m currently developing. It was the summer of 2024, and I’d gotten the itch to develop an idea I’d been daydreaming about for some time. While I haven’t abandoned that particular project entirely, I’ve placed it on pause for the foreseeable future, waiting until Synthetic Empires is complete and (hopefully) published before cracking on with it.

The halted novel in question was about a woman who strikes up a friendship with a semi-famous YouTuber. The pair would develop a curious, platonic intimacy; both separated by continents, yet united by a familiar set of circumstances haunting their day-to-day life.

In all honesty, I absolutely loved working on that book, and I’m legitimately excited to return to it someday in the near future. My reasons for placing it on ice were largely because a lot of the scenes started echoing some issues I was wading through in the real world at the time of writing. I realised I wasn’t quite ready to simulate those experiences in the form of a book whilst actually enduring them in the physical world. It just felt like I was doubling up on the pain, if that makes sense? So, I kicked the can down the road and paused it until I’d have chance to properly process things.

Anyhow, to try and drag this essay back on point, as I was writing that novel, I started becoming significantly attached to the female lead, Rose. There was a simple reason for this; she was more or less a substitute for me. Her mannerisms, the way she interacted with others, and the emotions triggered by those around her were pretty much reflections of my own experiences. I connect with her because, well, I technically was her. The only snag with Rose is that she also had a whole heap of flaws that seemed to burst from the pages. She was overwhelming, overbearing, and so neurotic that I actually had a panic attack reading back some of the chapters structured from her point of view. Rose was an interesting character, but she was also an exhausting mess.

Before placing the project on ice, I left a note to myself, stating that I needed to fix her character when I eventually returned to her. I needed to make her more likeable, less intense, and considerably more levelled out.

Today, I felt a familiar pang creeping up on me, this time regarding Synthetic Empires’ protagonist, Michelle Roberts. She is, in many respects, another side of me. While she isn’t quite as intense or angst-ridden as Rose, there are aspects to her that I connect with on a very deep level. This is a character who is well and truly frustrated with the society that she’s living in. While hers is much crueler than the one I live in, there are numerous echoes in the contemporary injustices that I’m mad about in my day-to-day life. There’s a sense of exasperation and disappointment over matters that many can’t quite see (or at least admit) regarding the prejudices of the modern world that I am clearly channelling through Michelle. She is the angry, disillusioned version of me that I’m still trying to figure out how to best express. She’s a woman at her wits’ end with the ignorance and obliviousness of her peers.

Much like Rose, however, I’m starting to spot some significant flaws in Michelle’s character, that make me fear for her. Will they be enough to turn my audience against her? For instance, her lack of trust is so intense in those early pages, that she spends the book’s first third essentially being a jerk to everyone in her life. She’s mean to Quinn, her parents, and the few students who are still willing to communicate with her at college. Anyone who shows her kindness, she immediately suspects works for the government. Those who shows concern for her well-being? In her eyes, they are insincere and manipulative.

Now look, there’s a perfectly reasonable, in-universe explanation for why she’s like this. She’s been awfully wronged at the start of this story. There’s a justification for why she’s angry at the world. But does that detract from the fact that for the first 30,000 words or so, she’s ultimately going to be a pretty unlikable lead? It’s all good and well writing characters who share flaws with my own personality, but if I’m going to strip away the positives whilst dealing up the negatives, am I just dreaming up protagonists who will ultimately be disliked by my readers?

I suspect I’m overthinking this a little too much (that’s my inner Rose, you see). For one thing, Michelle isn’t the only lead in this story. There’s also Quinn, who represents another side to my person. Quinn is the daft, clumsy, socially awkward, naive darling who can serve as the audience’s antidote to Michelle’s initial bleakness. If Michelle is the story’s cloudier side, Quinn is its sunshine. She can keep things fun and silly during those earlier parts.

Furthermore. Michelle isn’t going to be like this for the entire narrative. In actual fact, she’s going to go on quite the journey throughout this story. My image of who this woman will be by the time I reach the book’s conclusion is a lifetime away from the grumpy girl she is at its beginning. The whole point of her character is that she will gradually open up as events unfold. It’s part of its design, if you catch my drift.

Be that as it may, there remains part of me that worries when I write characters like this. It’s great that I take my own flaws and explore them through my stories, but I do wonder if sometimes I amply them a little too greatly. The neurosis and anger are made bigger for the sake of drama, only they can sometimes overshadow the more nuanced nature of a character. I absolutely adore messy protagonists, more than any other sort of character, but I feel there still needs to be enough decency in them for us to side with them; otherwise won’t I just end up writing total jerks who no one will want to invest their time in?

While there is a logic to Michelle’s character, I fear she is too bleak, too angry, and too cliched to begin with. I love this character, and I genuinely want to go on this journey with her. But is she too rough and razor sharp at this moment in time? Perhaps a later draft will see her soften. Perhaps she’ll grow even more intense. I don’t know what the answer is right now. I just hope people can see past the rugged, less savoury edges to begin with. I want people to love her, too. I want people to root for her.

After all, she is me.